New Year New Me Part 2: The Burnout

I. AM. GLAD. IT's. AUGUST.

July was an intense month, not lease because I decided to constantly make myself busier, always finding something to do. It was thus filled with lots of highs, but then the inevitable crash. I haven't burnt out in about a year (at least not properly) so in many ways I was due one with the way that I was going...and it hit in the last weeks of July. I was gradually hit physically, mentally and financially which all rolled together into one big burnout where I just wanted to go and hibernate. 

 A burnout to me is kind of like a snake. We know about them, might have seen them, night have handled a few in our time. It's something we wear (whether real or fake thats your lookout) and like Nagini its something we keep close to us. It's something that you can see coming, slithering its way towards you until it attacks...and we all know what happened to Snape when Nagini was let loose! 

Unintentionally I think i'm going to be using a lot of Harry Potter references in this post. Might as well keep on brand eh!

I always felt I was Harry in life, with a bit of a hero complex and propped up by those around me. The problem with having a hero complex is that you think you can keep going and do everything and you'll be FINE and because of the way that July was going with some of the things happening in my life I just wanted to keep going. It was a way to block things out. Something fun to look forward to to get through the slog and then you can block it all out for a few hours. 

Fine I find, is an ugly word. It is a blank word that we use, almost as a filler. It does't mean anything. I'm beginning to understand my mother's frustrations for my constant use of the word (though i will obviously never agree with her). I use it a lot...especially when I don't want to talk about something, and it becomes both the cloak and the silent cry for help. 

I said toward the beginning of the year that I wanted to be more open and not be such a bottler. I'd said I'm fine too many times and I was going to stop. I knew it would be hard work and I knew it wasn't a quick switch and I'd regress. It was always a matter of when not if, and how open I was to then acknowledging and fixing it.  

This time when I regressed into the confines of I'm fine I also decided I wanted to hibernate, get away for everything and "take time for me', a wanky phrase if I've ever uttered one. Because that's not really what I wanted. I was pushing myself into a brooding isolation in some sort of rebellion to the world, where no one would actually realise I was doing such a thing. 

I spent 12 hours not replying to messages. That's basically just an average day at work. It's nothing out of the ordinary, and only one friend would probably notice if I went much longer without replying because we are in such regular contact. I also had a block on my phone on said day so I couldn't reply even if I wanted to. I was almost punking myself. It was all for the sake of some sulky strop whilst I was lost in my negative spiral.

When i started replying I realised that my silent protest was stupid and I had to become Ron and come back from what I was running away from.  I just needed to find a way to disparate and get to the forest of Dean, break open that Horcrux and face my problems.  WHO HAS THE SWORD OF GRYFFINDOR!?

I say problems like I went through something dramatic, when the truth of it was that I indulged too much and crashed. But the fallout from this brought me into a negative place, where the rough elements reared their ugly heads and the vortex that is my brain only focused on that negativity that was pushing itself into the forefront of my mind. It's something my mind does a lot, and it can be crippling feeling. One feeling latches onto the next and they build this wall of negative emotions, parasitic emotions that all feed off each other and bring me down. That's not a nice place to be and it's not a nice place to pull yourself out of. 


This is where I become Neville. August is a new month and going into it, feeling more in control and with a plan. I'm telling that burnout to do one, and shaking myself out of a stupid sulk. Avoiding the world is not the right thing to do. Time and time again I find that its the people around me that are actually more help; I spent a lovely day on Sunday just sat with a friend and watching TV, and similarly last night just hanging out with my flatmates did me a world of good!. Do less, sure, thats probably a good thing, but don't hide away. Don't present to avoid social media, because we all know hat's not going to happen. If you want to post just post. Vocalise that its been a s**t month and actually talk to people about it...and write this post. 

August for me is going to be more chilled. It needs to be. It will also need to be more controlled. I'm still being affected by the fallout of last month, but I've made my bed and i'm going to own it, but at the same time take control of the situation. I know what the limitations are for the month and I'll just have to exert some self control over the situation. I shooooould be able to do that. But I'm sure you'll hear about it if I don't.

A change needs to come.....Challenge accepted.