New Year: Same Me
Last year I wrote a piece on the blog called New Year New Me - Part 1: I'm Fine talking about how I wanted to open up and be more vocal when I wasn't feeling top of my game. This didn't happen exactly the way I'd planned and 2018 was not the year I wanted it to be (it also says a lot that it has taken me to June 2019 to actually to finish writing this piece!)
At the end of a rocky 2017 I set myself a number of goals for the year ahead. I don't necessarily believe in new years resolutions but it seemed like the right time to refocus and start a a new chapter. They weren’t, I didn’t think, unrealistic goals, but in hindsight they also weren’t achievable in the time frame that I set for myself.
Aly & Aj recently released a song (which I looove) called Church, where the first lyric is "I do bad things for the sake of good times" and though the song goes off in a different direction this lyric really resonated with me. This is what I was doing. We went straight back into I'm Fine...which as we all know isn't fine! But I was justifying it all away...
I knew what my situation was and what I should be doing to get out of it, but thinking and doing as we know are two completely different things. I was all talk and no action. And you can't expect things to change just by thinking them and I was just stuck in the same cycle. A place I'd been before and walked back into almost willingly! Dude really! In the words of Tyra " LEARN SOMETHING...WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU".
I feel that in these situations I have this bubbled, blinkered idea of how a situation is going to play out, and I don't consider all the consequences....because there are always consequences! I'm much like Valentina in All Stars 4 where she is LIVING her french vanilla fantasy and that fantasy bubble becomes her reality in those moments!
Except my reality was that what I'd wanted, or expected to happen with the changes I'd implemented was definitely not happening. I let life take over and I didn't do anything to really change it, i just barrelled through digging my hole deeper! I let everything get to me, pilled on thing on top of another and as a result I was unhappy in so many elements of my life. Although I was constantly venting (a skill I am expert at) I wasn't really changing anything. I didn't allow myself to think I could be in a better place.
I should also point out that it wasn't a completely negative experience, that was the catch I allowed myself. Yes I had burnt out multiple times, but with the second job I'd taken on I was having fun, I met a lot of amazing people had some great nights and got completely wrapped up in all these different fantasies. But I was tired, constantly! I don't how many people I spoken to over the last year where my response is "I'm good, tired but good"
I struggle getting up in the mornings. I don't know how you do them or what magic you employ but I cannot get up in the morning! I set alarms and I hit the snooze more times than is appropriate and I know what I can get away with. You need to listen to your body. I'm not the 21 year old I still think I am. This was a sign. It also got me thinking...
I can't change the big things with a snap of my fingers, but I can realistically look at the things I have issue with, the things that aren't making me happy and make small progressive changes slowly to try and make myself feel better. There are much bigger problems burred inside, problems that are for a whole different day and someone else to talk to about but I definitely think there are small things I can do to make myself feel better day to day. Quitting my second job was definitely one of them. Next small goal, getting up earlier!
At the end of a rocky 2017 I set myself a number of goals for the year ahead. I don't necessarily believe in new years resolutions but it seemed like the right time to refocus and start a a new chapter. They weren’t, I didn’t think, unrealistic goals, but in hindsight they also weren’t achievable in the time frame that I set for myself.
This is a typical me thing do to.
Largely I have a superman complex where I believe that I can take on a million and one things and fix all the problems the word throws at me. This is not true, and meant that I took on too much (including a second job), overloaded my system and burnt out, but kept going on and around in the same cycle, not really changing the situation just existing in it. Note to self: This. Is. Not. Good. Stop. Doing. It.
I knew what my situation was and what I should be doing to get out of it, but thinking and doing as we know are two completely different things. I was all talk and no action. And you can't expect things to change just by thinking them and I was just stuck in the same cycle. A place I'd been before and walked back into almost willingly! Dude really! In the words of Tyra " LEARN SOMETHING...WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU".
Except my reality was that what I'd wanted, or expected to happen with the changes I'd implemented was definitely not happening. I let life take over and I didn't do anything to really change it, i just barrelled through digging my hole deeper! I let everything get to me, pilled on thing on top of another and as a result I was unhappy in so many elements of my life. Although I was constantly venting (a skill I am expert at) I wasn't really changing anything. I didn't allow myself to think I could be in a better place.
I should also point out that it wasn't a completely negative experience, that was the catch I allowed myself. Yes I had burnt out multiple times, but with the second job I'd taken on I was having fun, I met a lot of amazing people had some great nights and got completely wrapped up in all these different fantasies. But I was tired, constantly! I don't how many people I spoken to over the last year where my response is "I'm good, tired but good"
I struggle getting up in the mornings. I don't know how you do them or what magic you employ but I cannot get up in the morning! I set alarms and I hit the snooze more times than is appropriate and I know what I can get away with. You need to listen to your body. I'm not the 21 year old I still think I am. This was a sign. It also got me thinking...
I can't change the big things with a snap of my fingers, but I can realistically look at the things I have issue with, the things that aren't making me happy and make small progressive changes slowly to try and make myself feel better. There are much bigger problems burred inside, problems that are for a whole different day and someone else to talk to about but I definitely think there are small things I can do to make myself feel better day to day. Quitting my second job was definitely one of them. Next small goal, getting up earlier!
So here we are New Year (even though its June it counts)– Same
Me. Same bad habits, same situations…BUT it got to a point where I knew I had to make a chance and I had to pull myself from the fantasy and look at what I needed to do for me, to look after me. It might not be an easy ride, and who knows what will happen this year as I walk into a new chapter, but even writing this stuff down helps me in some way. Self care is so important and I've seen so many people being so much more open about their mental health on the day to day. We need to talk we need to have these conversations and we need to know that there is a support network there for you. You never have to do anything alone.
I think music is really powerful in life, especially for me, it can be a great form of therapy. I quoted a Kesha song in my last post and the Aly & Aj song above and so I wanted to leave with another song. This is how I want to see my year...levelling up, moving onward and upwards. From the minute I heard this song I started dancing and time I hear it i get into this zone where i just feel good so I leave you with Ciara's Level Up
I think music is really powerful in life, especially for me, it can be a great form of therapy. I quoted a Kesha song in my last post and the Aly & Aj song above and so I wanted to leave with another song. This is how I want to see my year...levelling up, moving onward and upwards. From the minute I heard this song I started dancing and time I hear it i get into this zone where i just feel good so I leave you with Ciara's Level Up
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