New Year, New Me - Part 1: I'M FINE

A couple of weeks ago I was watching the episode of friends where Ross finds out Joey and Rachel are having a thing and reacts as only Ross could with a "I'm Fine"... this got me thinking and thinking about opening up what I spoke about on the blog and adding things that took a more personal direction.

Then I read Eve Ainsworth's new novel Tender (you can check out my review HERE) which looks at the experiences of being a Young Carer, something that is quite personal for me, as I was and to a large extent still am a carer - though I'm not exactly 'young' anymore. What really hit me in the book as I said in my review was the way one of the main characters Marty deals with situations, often brushing people off with a "I'm fine".. and so you find yourself here reading this now...

This was something I recognised in myself, something I have said many many times over and that I thought i'd moved away from but then I said it again . I'm fine is basically code for I'm probably not fine, I actually do probably want to talk about said situation but I'm going to pretend like I don't.. and I've done that a lot. This isn't to say that sometimes things actually are fine, and that is the case a lot of the time, but the times when I should and need to be talking about a situation I don't. There's also that oh so endearing tendency to make said situation into a joke and laugh it off which never really deals with anything does it.   

Why I do that, who knows?

Actually I do, me, right here, *waves hand*. I know all the excuses I use... 

Some small part of my brain tells me not to talk about things because 'I don't do issues' or because I obviously got over the situation immediately and I'm fine and it's dealt with. There was also, as I felt, or at least read in Marty, an element of Pride and stubbornness at not wanting to admit that I wasn't in complete control or being able to deal with a situation as I thought I had to be at any given time. I also, and this is a big part of me still was scared about what people would think of me as a result. SO I kept schtum........

This isn't and should never be the case...

I remember very clearly one night when the cracks began to show and I had to talk about said problem and it broke me, but this was good, because sometimes you have to completely break something apart to properly put it back together. 

Luckily the older I get the more I've started to open up to people I actually feet better about the situations, about having a support network to lean on and people that actually understood me, could relate and could give me advice. Its one of those times when you thought the burdens of the world were on your shoulders and you're the only one that's ever gone through things, and you realise that actually everyone has. One of the weird things I like to do to remind myself of this is to look at the people around me, on the streets or on the train. People that I will nevvvver ever see again in life, but I look at them and thing 'you've got to this point in your life, you've probably been through things but here you are not letting it stop you getting on in life' This is important. Nothing is too big to break you, especially if you start opening up. 

I'm fine has been there in all walks of life, both personally and professionally, and I often wonder how different things would be if I'd stopping saying everything is fine and opened up earlier. I used to wait for people to push through the I'm Fine, to force me to talk and I suspect in doing so I've pushed people away.  

The point in all this rambling is that I finally think i'm at a point where I know its not fine to say I'm fine and I need to be more open and vocal about things...It's ok to ask for help, it doesn't make you any less of the person you are, you independence isn't damaged by this and people aren't going to judge you... 

Even if this is just me writing my thoughts down on a web page that no one ever reads I think that's something I needed to do. No one ever is or should feel alone and every day i'm learning a different way that I'm not. SO TALK, you'll be surprised how good it feels. 

I said I wanted to work on me this year, achieve a better, happier me and I think this is a better place as any to start...

Until Part 2 ....adieu